Understanding the Impact of Blame on Relationships and Stress

Recently, I (Mike) read a story about two brothers. The brothers were both faced with the exact same problem. Each brother had differing roles within the problem's circumstance, and each brother responded drastically differently to the problem.

You might ask what this has to do with marriage. But as I was reading the story, I couldn't help but think about the similarities between how the brothers responded to the problem and perhaps how husband and wife would react to struggles in their marriage or family.

The problem that the two brothers faced was apparent. Which honestly is sometimes one of the most challenging things to do when trying to come up with a solution to any particular problem. Even though the problem was clearly defined, how each brother responded to the issue was entirely different. 

One brother decided to blame was the best option. So he chose To lay the blame upon those around him.

The other brother did not blame anyone but rather acknowledged the problem and worked toward a solution. Instead of blaming, he chooses to champion those around him.

Two different responses to the same problem.  Have you ever been there?   

Let's not jump into problem-solving mode just yet, but talk about one of the most significant deterrents to problem-solving: Blame.

Blame in the marriage relationship is energy draining. Nowhere is that more true than in the marriage relationship. So if you want to energize your marriage, you must stop playing the blame game.

Let me give you a few reasons by blame is so detrimental to the marriage relationship:

Blame drives a wedge into the oneness of the marriage relationship. When I choose to blame my spouse, in essence, what I am saying is, this is a "you" problem and not a "we" problem. Yet, the very nature of the marriage relationship is two becoming one. There is no "your" problem or "my" problem, only "our" problem. So blame becomes a dividing force in the relationship. When blame is allowed to fester in the marriage relationship, it will lead to division, isolation, and loneliness.

Blame also limits our ability to find the real solution to the problem. Often, when we blame someone, we're saying that the other person is responsible for the problem.  When we allow this action to continue unabated, we will believe that the object of our blame is the problem.  We can never solve our marriage struggles when we see our spouse as the problem.

Blame limits my agency in overcoming any particular problem and adds to our stress level.  In their work, The Power of Agency, Anthony Rao and Dr. Paul Napper defines agency as "The ability to pause, evaluate, and act, when you are facing a challenge."  Their primary thought of the book is that we live in an ever-increasing, stressful world.  One of the leading causes of this stress is a loss of agency.  So whether we realize it or not, blame leads to more stress.

Who needs more stress in their relationships?

Have you ever experiences this?  If you have, you are not alone.  Next week, I will share how you can move from blame to being a champion for your spouse.  There is no problem two champions cannot handle together!