How to Form Righteous Relationship Roles in Marriage?

This morning, I, Mike, was faced with another often misunderstood marriage struggle. I started my day off with a cup of coffee, followed quickly by my first bottle of water. As I went to get my water bottle and fill it with ice, as I do every morning, I notice that my water bottle was in the drying rack with a bunch of other dishes.

That is when the dilemma hit.  

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Should I remove what I need from the rack, or should I empty the rack completely? It was a larger struggle than I anticipated.

I know how Shannon would respond. But I am not Shannon.

It started a mental conversation in me that Shannon probably started a few days ago when she, too, was thinking about this marriage issue.

Two Broad Relationship Role Categories

Prepare-Enrich, a marriage assessment tool, and mentorship define the two broad categories of marriage roles as traditional and equalitarian.

• "An equalitarian role relationship is one in which partners desire a shared approach to leadership and decision-making. The distribution of household tasks and responsibilities is determined by interests and skills rather than by traditional male/female roles." (Understanding Role Relationships, Copyright © 2009 Life Innovations, Inc.)

• "Couples in a traditional role relationship prefer roles that are based on gender, with the husband being more dominant in leadership and decision-making. The husband may be the main breadwinner, while the wife typically stays home and does housework and childcare. " (Understanding Role Relationships, Copyright © 2009 Life Innovations, Inc.)

Each category, traditional and equalitarian, taken to extremes will produce conflict. Most relationships fall between these two spectrums. Here is how we find comfort in our roles.

She Said (thoughts from Shannon):

In today's culture, many couples find themselves with both partners working outside the home. Mike and I were faced with this obstacle. For instance, when we were first married, we had used the rule of thumb- whoever was home first made dinner that night, and the one cleaned up.

Mike and I split most chores in the home. Most tasks are assigned according to our work schedules. We often have a weekly family meeting to discuss our schedules and the work of the household.  It is not the issue of what tasks are completed by whom, but that it is discussed, fair, and agreed upon by both spouses. This conversation makes for fewer headaches and arguments.

I have also learned not to be closed to helping with a chore deemed "his." I remember that the goal is not a tally of who does more, but harmony in the home. Some weeks that may mean cooking a little more or taking out the garbage. Working together is the key.

He Said (thoughts from Mike):

I struggle with relationship roles from time to time. My conservative roots lead me to be more traditional. I believe in the husband's headship as a role given by God and an essential tenet of my faith in action. But what I saw exampled with this mindset was more in line with a dictatorship than headship. This I reject as a false doctrine. Man is not called to be the dictator in his home. That's not biblical and not godly! Perhaps we will do some writing on that in another blog.

In our relationship, we split the responsibilities along the lines of likes and dislikes more than anything. I wouldn't say I like to do the laundry, so Shannon usually does that. But that does not mean that I never do the laundry.

You already know I'm not particularly eager to do the dishes, but that's about a 60/40 chore. Let me clarify: Shannon 60, Mike 40.

I clean the bathroom, mostly. Shannon has asthma, so the cleaning chemical and the small enclosed space do not work well.  It just makes sense for me to do that task.

Probably the most significant area where relationship roles affect us is in the work area. Shannon works full-time as a nurse and does not have as much flexibility in her schedule as mine. So I stayed home with the kids, even handling their morning homeschooling assignments when they were in school.

Here's the key for me...be flexible. Don't let the past generation define your relationship roles. Don't let the culture define your relationship roles. Rather, have an honest conversation with one another. Pray about it! Then begin to operate in those roles.

I wonder, do you have clearly defined relationship roles?  Are you more traditional or more equalitarian? 

Please share your thoughts with us here.

Keep energizing your marriage