Exploring the Effectiveness of Love Languages in Apology: A Dual Review by Mike and Shannon

Are you the first one in your relationship to apologize? Or do your wait to apologize until your partner admits wrong? If you have been married for very long, chance are you getting good at the art of apology. For the record, I, Mike, am quick to apologize, but as I learned, that does not always mean I should be given any brownie points.

A Reading Project

Shanon and I enjoy reading a book together.  We read the book out loud and take turns reading a chapter.  It's a growth opportunity that we enjoy.  Recently, Shannon and I read, The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships. This work was written by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Jennifer M. Thomas and published by Northfield Publishing: Chicago in 2006. We were both familiar with the five love languages book by Dr. Chapman but were intrigued by the title of this work. Certainly an, "I'm sorry" didn't warrant an entire book. But as we were quick to learn, the art of apology is not a simple, "I'm sorry."

If you are familiar with the Five Love languages Book by Dr. Chapman, you know he goes to great lengths to stress that just because we are trying to communicate does not always mean the other person understands us completely. This is true in love, and it is also true in apology. Or at least, that's the assertion of this work.

The authors break down the action of apology into five different languages or styles. These represent the best style and verbiage to use to apologize.  The actual words are not as important as what the person is trying to communicate behind the words.  A quick "I'm sorry" may not communicate what is necessary for the offended party to experience restoration.  Sometimes we offer an immediate apology to get someone off our back instead of showing genuine remorse.  Those kinds of apologies are seldom beneficial.

The idea of a language of apology came as  Dr. Thomas observed her clients' stories of apology. She approached Dr. Chapman with her observations and asked him to help her write an article about the language of apology.

They identified five primary Languages of apology:

• Expressing Regret - "I am sorry."

• Accepting responsibility - "I was wrong."

• Making restitution - "What can I do to make it right?"

• Genuinely repenting - "I'll try not to do that again."

• Requesting Forgiveness - "Will you please forgive me?"

These five ideas take up the first part of the book.  Then the authors walk you through discovering your apology language with a short assessment.  Finally, the book ends by exploring the other relationships in one life that will benefit from the languages of apology.

Shannon's Takeaways:

I am terrible at apologizing.  I know that I am wrong, but I just would like to move forward.  When Mike told me that he wanted to read this book, I asked, "Why? What is the need?"  As I began to read, I soon found the importance of an apology. I was quickly apologizing for never apologizing.  I think my issue was that I had never received an apology in my language.  I was brought to tears when reading the chapter entitled "accepting responsibility."  Their examples were so touching.  The book has alerted me to my need to request an apology.  I am adding this to our relationship.

Mike's Takeaways

It's me, Mike, again.  I enjoyed reading this book—especially the parts when the author explained the languages of apology.  I always thought I was good at apologizing because I was quick to offer an apology.  But what I found was that I wanted peace without taking responsibility for my actions.  I didn't mind saying I was sorry as longs as that was the end.  The problem was that Shannon has heard "I'm sorry" so many times that it didn't matter to her.  She needed my apology to be backed up by my change actions.

The book got long toward the end when the authors delved into the apology in every relationship.  I could see where this was necessary, but it just got very tedious.  We lost steam toward the end of our reading. 

Recommendation

We recommend this book as a way to grow your marriage communication.  It may not be a book you read cover to cover.  Read the main sections on apology languages to learn how to apologize correctly in your marriage relationship.  Then use the later chapters that apply to your particular situation.

Share your thoughts with us in the comments below.